i don't know how i feel about titles being up here like this

so the DCFM didn't involve any booty. it did involve a lot of creams and masks and whatnot. and now i feel awesome, but a little girled out after two days of pampering and oils. and i don't mean that in a gender-specific way. OR DO I?!?

i'm currently reading "farewell, my lovely" by raymond chandler, and it features a really uncomfortable scene where the protagonist wakes up in a mental health facility, rolls up his sleeve, and discovers he's been shot full of dope. the description of how he comes out of it makes my skin crawl. but he always comes out of it, this guy.

speaking of uncomfortable, i saw about an hour or so of trainspotting last night. wow. the baby? anyone? wow.

for dinner tonight i will be having a chicken pot pie and a tall glass of milk. then i will watch half of akira kurosawa's ran. and THEN i will go to a bar. in that order. maybe i will come home and finish trainspotting, but maybe after a couple more beers. i feel like that movie can only be stomached with some form of something.

supposedly it's going to snow on saturday. snow, for pete's sake. that's alright i guess, as it gives me something to talk about with strangers, but that's pretty much the extent of its usefulness so far.

speaking of the book, i'll share with you something i like: eating dinner by myself in a diner-esque environment, ordering a meal meal, you know, the full thing, and drinking coffee the whole time. it reminds me of these sorts of books. whenever i read those parts, i get really excited. so there you have it.

corporations homework, i'll get to you in a minute. geez.

homonyms: sew grate two here

you guys, my mom went crazy today and bought me something called a "deep cleaning facial massage." you guys, i'm afraid. all i know about this is that there are "warm booties and mittens" involved. i'm hoping that it's warm booties like cute little socks, and not warm bootys like hot butts. though hot butts (hott?) are okay i guess. it depends on the context. considering this is a "facial massage," i'm a little wary of anything going on in the hot butt department.

and mittens? won't i be hot? and here i mean "high temperature" and not "hott" like paris hilton, whom, while we're here, i'd like to punch in the face. just once. maybe a couple times. it would depend on what was going on that day. and where is this deep cleaning facial massage (DCFM) going to take place? siberia? i mean, i guess i'm okay with that too, but maybe that depends on the boot(ies?)(ys?).

don't get me wrong though, i'm extremely grateful. this is supposed to be relaxing, the DCFM i mean. let's hope. i can tell you one thing: if i get there and i've got woolen mittens on and someone's hot booty is coming towards my face, someone is in for a world of hurt. there will be some serious punches, my friends. i don't care, i'll throw down with mittens on in the middle of siberia. there will be no butts in the immediate vacinity of my face.

also? if you're into that sort of thing, that's cool. i'm not saying i would seek you out and administer a beating. do what you want. with whom you want. whatever kinds of freaky you are, rock on. i'm just saying it's a personal preference. one that i am willing to defend more in the style of "i'll break your jaw" rather than "let's talk it out."

now i am going to go to sleep.

ps stephen, it was wonderful to get your emails and i prom promise i will write you back shortly.

riddle me this

five and a half more pages to go, and i'm at thirty, and i'm done with this thesis. finis.

i was thinking of....what, today? of being built to fail. of being built to have our hearts broken and of being human beings. that's hard to admit. i liked your post, katie--i liked how it ended especially. somehow this leads me to say: it is hard to have friendships, yes? i've been thinking about that very much lately. i wish i had enough grace for myself to let myself fail in my own friendships, or understand even just a little more about myself to not let despair come in sometimes.

i think i should say here too: there are very ugly things about living in the world. things that are not simple to see. that's all. sometimes i think it is much easier to point out the things we see all around us--the awful, terrible, bitterness of it--rather than the things we suffer quietly, the things the people next to us suffer quietly. but then, sometimes it is hard to get out of suffering quietly, and how can there be any help in the first place if nobody knows about it? God sees, right? that's the answer. that's an answer that's frustrating and a wonderful relief. and one easy to forget. God sees and that should be more than enough to let you rest. that's how that should go, and all turn out.

it is one thing to say: God, you are enough to sustain me and let me rest, and you are enough and with you here, i am never alone. and then turn over and close your eyes and sleep a tidy, slow sleep. it is another thing to say: God, you are enough to sustain me and let me rest. and then turn over and be unable to close your eyes gently, and sleep this quick, sort of shotgun sleep. different entirely. how can you go from one to the other when you already have said the magic words you thought you needed to say, but the magic doesn't come?

something tells me you have an answer.

however, i think the introduction would be along the lines of "wtf?"

wow. courtesy of mr adam phillips, i present to you the woman who needs no introduction: bjork.

it goes a little something like this

whew. today i consumed more ham and delicious potato salad (yes, even with the eggs) than i ever have in my life. so much that i had to lie down and take the traditional holiday nap (see: christmas, thanksgiving). but no coffee yet--that will happen so soon. i will relish every drop. yum. maybe sooner than i think.

so far, blogger has been very welcoming. posting is just like writing an email, the comments are very nice (oh yes, and i'm so glad that you are the very first poster, kt. congratulations on winning that game. and of course, madame teeter, i'm also very glad we've met, well said), and editing the template is a snap! the question is: will i miss diaryland? maybe. i think, do i have to change the way i write in this thing if this is now truly a "blog" and not a diary? is there really any difference at all? i mean i could use this for a specific purpose, but i can't think of what that would be (similarly, maybe the future of monsterbear could be that way if necessary, but again--what purpose?) at the moment. nor can i (stop) (using) (parentheses).

i am calling steve today at his request. it will be early in the morning there, and that scary voice will answer just like it always does. if i don't keep my eyes open when i call, it's like i'm calling him in some prison. eek.

i've been feeling far away from God lately. sort of. maybe that's not exactly how it is. i feel....what? nothing maybe? more like, i have a relationship with God in my head--i can still think of the long history between he and i, where i have felt (and in some cases been) abandoned and lost, scattered and without a way to live, and he answers my prayers and comes to my aid, puts these amazing people in my life all of a sudden or bang, like that, i am able to figure out a way to relax or rest or work. i can still think of, speaking of the people, how God talks to me and gives me the opportunity to serve him through my relationships here--how unusual it is the way perfect strangers somehow feel the need to interact with me, talk and ask questions, in places like the grocery or the gas station or the movie store.

i can still think of all that, and other things too--the more precise, exact spiritual lessons and verses and miracles--but feeling it has been harder lately. hmm more comfortable, in a weird way, less.....stunning, less awe, more a part of my head and how it works. but then, less true somehow? or if not less true, less strong--weaker, yes, most definitely. in a strange way. so i don't know if it's that i'm feeling far away from God. something, but maybe not that. maybe my feelings about God are far away. yeh? i don't know.

it's funny because my prayers have been answered regarding various struggles in my life, 1 2 3 like that (particularly immediate too, as of late), but i think "of course they have" rather than filled with the sort of thanksgiving i wish i felt, or thought. and now i hear the faint strains of that top ten hit, "the law of undulation" coming over the airwaves and into my brain. what a catchy tune. and on easter no less! the irony is delicious. like sweet pickles.

rocking the bonnet

today i was thinking of great(?) moments in life, and how they happen, if at all--are those the things that we imagine during the day we will do someday? having children or being married, or taking this or that particular job, or being able to return a countless number of favors to a countless number of people? and that made me think of favors--there is a fine line between favors and friendship, yes? what is the difference there, and what makes one thus and not the other? i didn't come up with any answers at all. right, of course.

but then, i am also the unfortunate owner of a particular fear of any meaningful and emotional interaction, of having anyone be important to me, of telling them so (and having them know, good Jesus, that's scary), of having anything be more than just favors, yes? because having the good things someone does for me, as good and true as they are, are much easier to call favors than friendship, because then it would hurt all the more for it not to be. and does that make sense? i can see how it wouldn't, but there it is regardless.

however! tomorrow is easter sunday! i think of eggs on easter, and the saturday beforehand with the pazz dye all over the place and that very intricate and delicate instrument they include with the dye set that looks like a misshapen pair of eyeglasses all flattened out, that only my father could truly construct, the sole purpose of which was to lift the eggs in and out of the coffee cups of dye. and i think of ham, also, something we never have any other day, and never going to church and what else? potato salad, and how my mom makes the best kind they say, even though i never have it because i don't care for the eggs i think of. ha.

and now, in the years i've actually been alive, i can barely think of what i wished i could think of always, the bright and shining hope and joy made possible by a grant from God, and the coming of the King. whew, that's nice to say. the coming of the King. let him.

happy easter, friends.

new job

we here at applywithin would like to welcome you to our new endeavor. it's what we like to call "new," though we all know if you only dress something up in different clothes, it usually remains the same. this is to say: welcome. you've been here before.