the colors red and blue

you know what i did today? today i had a dinner party for the people at the law school i don't hate. even more than that, i like them as people. not just students, or collegueugeueugues, or people i can call up someday and say: "i have a client and....." those people. i cooked some food for them and i spent some money to do it, and the whole time they were in my apartment i thought: why aren't you here? or you, even? where are you?

is it that way always, i wonder? am i always going to wonder where you are, my friend? am i always going to wonder where you have been all this time?

we are going to be in our late twenties now, you know. that's the time we should be embracing the LORD! with all His Caps! and we should be joined in Holy Matrimony to our Significant Other and when we should becomme solid in Our Ways, whatever they happen To Be. there was a time i wanted to be in cook county, because it was in that Big City, and somewhere where my Whole Life would just bang! Change, just like that! and then i wouldn't have to do a damn thing. although, maybe i can't do a damn thing now? do i even know?

you see, this is how things are: i am happy, relatively speaking. i'm not happy and then sad, i'm not happy and then angry (but only angry because i am sad! really! on the inside!), but i'm happy and angry, all at the same time. and i forget what it is to really feell things so very deeply and sadly and profoundly, because goodness knows i'm Entitled now, and so i've graduated from fucking law school now, and how is it that we are both fucked up from that? how did that happen, somehow, and so differently (but maybe not? do we even know?) at the same time?

and all of us: we graduated from the under graduate institution, we went and did some Other Thing that we thought would give us the filling for our gaps and holes and spaces we couldn't explain to ourselves or each other (even if the other was the Other we had been Searching For All This Time), we left and now we're coming back and we better be ready for ourselves, and what happened to me? i became temporarily angry and happy all at the same time, rather than desperately sad and masking it in anger, and never happy but just desperate desperate and just please, save me from this: myself, and right now if that was me i would say please, what are you waiting for? just accept and go and be what you wanted, seize it instead of losing your chance and your chance and your chance, again and again, own it and seize it and make it something that you possess rather than something you settled on. we have courage because we are given it by God, and if we fail to use that courage, then we become cowards. we are all born with courage, we just neglect or fail or fuck it. yes?

we are coming back from another country, and trying to get a job in one of the biggest cities--or is that two, three, four of us?--we are trying to do what we want, rather than what we think we should or are told what we should do, we are trying to stop this thing and do this other thing, we are trying to be ourselves, except we don't know what we are at all or who or whom, as the case may be, but only that we feel real and here and actual when this other thing happens, so let it be so, we are trying to be happy with our dogs and our babies (our soon to be humans?), we are trying to get married and we are trying to do it well, we are trying to become caretakers and social workers and listeners for a living, except how can we do that on that kind of pay and budget and then suddenly we realize: maybe this regulated lifestyle is okay and will let us be spontaneous (that's what alex says to me today, outside of angel falls, so late for this dinner party that started this whole thing) after all! because isn't it how we measure our youth? by that?

and attorneys, professors, prosecutors and defense (even those public defenders) attorneys are all users, you see, they just utilize the resources they have available to them, regardless of what need or void or emptiness you are filling in yourself, you should just shrug that all off and harden your heart enough so you can work and live and regulate enough to go to angel falls long enough you are late but not that late, and wish and wish and wish you could see whom you wish to see, rather than those you must see in order to do justice to what you've felt and thought for three years, and say goodbye to those years, and sure, let's go down there for some vague words that are not enough and too much all at once, because it's much different and better than what you've been doing, this happy and this angry all at once. you cooked some food for them, and that was enough.