cowboy the fuck up.

well, i just embarrassed myself in my juvenile class by making an argument that was terrible and probably didn't make any sense, and then answering a question wrong. that's okay, and i can handle that, except that i haven't done that in something like....a year? maybe two years? in law school and the one night that i do, it's in front of my boss at work, who is one of three speakers in this class tonight.

here's the thing about being embarrassed: i don't get embarassed easily, so when i do it's always always terrible, because i don't have a lot of experience with getting over it. and it's always because i do something that makes me feel, look, or sound dumb. and i always remember it. the last time i was really embarrassed was in 2002. okay, so that's not too bad, right? right.

i'm not complaining, i'm just saying that i feel bad.

nothing like remedying that situation by updating this the second half of class. hopefully this will be over soon, and then i'll go home and eat leftovers and drink wild turkey until i pass out.

of course, this serves to make me feel worse about what i actually feel bad about in the first place, which is the fact i haven't heard anything about this stupid job in cook county, nothing at all at all, not even when i would have to wait until, and all my doubts about being able to do said stupid job are glaringly obvious to me at the moment, and reasons why i shouldn't even be considered for that position are suddenly true to me and real.

being embarassed very rarely is a wonderful thing, and i'm glad that i'm largely secure and confident about my actions, thoughts, and words. so thanks God, and my parents for raising me that way, and the rest of it. sorry i'm focusing on the bad part of it right now.

and this job can go blow, right? if i don't get it, or ever hear from anyone (ever, for the rest of my life), then it's fine too. i'll figure out what to do and where to go. so this is the last time i'll say it on here: not getting this job hurts, and it sucks, and i shouldn't have expected to get it because it's like getting accepted into one of the biggest and best grad programs, and how often does that happen? it's a crapshoot, and we all know that even though your chances are the best at craps, you still lose sometimes. and it doesn't matter how much you've studied the books, and the stats, and it doesn't matter how much money you put in the ante or the pot, and it doesn't matter if it was your lucky pair of dice, and it doesn't matter, even, if you've played this game for two years for free, you still lost. so either try again at a different table or start playing poker instead.