blip.

i have to already tell myself that posting right now is probably most definitely a bad idea, because i feel pretty cranky and bitter right now, but i'll just go ahead and blame it on the meds later.

i'm getting better, by the way, so i shouldn't complain and bring it up every five seconds. so there.

what i mean to say is "bitter," because i'm a little sick and tired of some things. like always being the one who calls. and of saying things. that never seems to resonate, does it? no matter how much we all talk or not talk (for hours), things never change very much, now do they? we are still liars. even to the people we supposedly love and care about. we cling very tightly to the image of ourselves we've created over the years, and if we lose a few here and there by telling them the truth, it doesn't matter because we're still that way to everybody else. the rest are just collateral damage, right? i suppose so.

i feel like i've tried to unify all the different versions of myself over the past couple years, i've tried to rope together, bind together, the images of myself people have of me, and make it into one, honest person. i'm still a liar, sometimes, and a good one even (it takes practice), but i've tried. and i feel like that doesn't mean anything to me right now. it feels like a lot of meaningless work, trying to be one person with a lot of facets, sometimes conflicting, rather than doing a lot of catch-up and clean-up, working hard to keep the ugliest parts of me a secret. maybe that's the way to do it instead, and i've been doing a lot of bullshit work trying to be something else.

it's hard for me to not feel sick and tired at the moment, because even though i'm getting a lot better physically (i say, like it was some horrible disease), i'm still hoping to move and move away, and not just to another state or place but just away from everybody. i'm tired of the usual problems that never get fixed, and that nobody acknowledges except in these short bursts followed by uncomfortable silences, and the usual jokes, and the rest of the drama we all have going on. all the strained undertones we pretend we don't hear.

i'm even tired of hoping for another city with some old and new people, because i feel like it won't happen at all, it'll just fade into something i'll say wasn't best or safe, which sounds worn out in my head even as i say it.

i hate feeling like this, and even writing it down, because there's not much to say, really, in response. it feels ugly and it sounds ugly, and regardless of anything else, it'll just pass with barely a blip on the radar.