don't turn to someone else

it says here: scheduled outage at: 4:00PM. figure that out for yourselves.

there has been a bet made here. a wager, even. the wager: the liquor or liquors of your choice, the winner's choice, in an amount not exceeding twenty-five dollars. sometimes you don't want a fifth. sometimes? you want a pint. a half-pint. just a bit, even. jessi dobos, et al., will be happy to hear that i have wagered in favor of the steelers. if you can't root root root for the home team, try try again. let's do this.

you fall apart again and you can't find a friend. okay. i think it's the beginning.

i am rediscovering shiraz. syrah? did you know they are the same grape, just different regions? well! now you know.

i'm worried sick that i won't like you any longer when i see you again. are you worried this is you, or you? it's not, so you can forget it. you, now, on the other hand: okay. let's just see how this goes and feel it out, and that will be that. there was a time i couldn't think of myself apart from you, but now i don't know how to negotiate that any longer. now i just worry. worry, they say, is how a coward loves with the whole of the heart. so be it, then.

one time--and stop me if you've heard this--actually many times, my nanny would hear a good song on the tv or the radio or the record player my father owns, still, now, and she would start to dance, just dance all by herself in the living room that no one used uses and of course, my mother or i or my father would go to dance with her, and i wish wish wish with all my heart i could do that again because i can't tell you the half of it, how happy she was just then. you can shake whatever head you have and whatever you have inside of that head thinking about how little i've rationalized this or how resistant i am to doing so, but i would rather think of my nanny dancing in the living room with the new wood floor and the beautiful furniture by herself, just for a little while, until one of us came to dance with her and how happy she was when she had a partner. and how that grew with each each each of us, and how the dog would try to herd us all into one room because she was too worried--and remember about the worried, and how cowards can be braver than what we think we are--and i would and will and stay happier than you are, and maybe happier isn't the word, maybe just more honest. my heart breaks for the things that have happened to me, my friend, from selfishness and a chronic inability to see past myself, but that's incomparable to the things that go unnamed, today, that have happened to you, in that house, in that kitchen or hallway, that made things as they are today tonight.

take it as you will.