fists of fury

that's what my name would be, if i was having more fun.

this is post one hundred fifty. chris mentioned his milestone in passing, so i thought i'd do the same. originally i was just going to say something at one year, and maybe i still will, but i just noticed about this one right now so i figured, why not? updating right now is a crapshoot anyway. might as well put something matter-of-fact in.

i'm having trouble sleeping. i can't seem to settle down, is the problem. also the problem is, the greater problem is, i'm feeling awfully lonely tonight. the raw kind of lonely, and hurting, hurting so that i'm not quick enough to remember i'm only angry because it's easier and safer, and i'm not angry at all but just feeling terrible. it's just that it seems like all the people i wish i could share a city or a zip code or even a state with aren't here, and they won't ever be here, and i'll never get that job in cook county, with the four red stars and the white and light blue background, so then i'll just stay here and that'll be fine except more like this, just a little worse.

and, well wait, it could be that it's the end of winter break, a long and satisfying and incredible and astonishing and unbelievable (in parts) sort of break, and so i'm just missing and missing and missing, but i don't want to be that person so i just default to all of you shaking your heads slightly and smiling knowingly. it's easier to think of it that way.

tomorrow is sunday.