rocking the bonnet

today i was thinking of great(?) moments in life, and how they happen, if at all--are those the things that we imagine during the day we will do someday? having children or being married, or taking this or that particular job, or being able to return a countless number of favors to a countless number of people? and that made me think of favors--there is a fine line between favors and friendship, yes? what is the difference there, and what makes one thus and not the other? i didn't come up with any answers at all. right, of course.

but then, i am also the unfortunate owner of a particular fear of any meaningful and emotional interaction, of having anyone be important to me, of telling them so (and having them know, good Jesus, that's scary), of having anything be more than just favors, yes? because having the good things someone does for me, as good and true as they are, are much easier to call favors than friendship, because then it would hurt all the more for it not to be. and does that make sense? i can see how it wouldn't, but there it is regardless.

however! tomorrow is easter sunday! i think of eggs on easter, and the saturday beforehand with the pazz dye all over the place and that very intricate and delicate instrument they include with the dye set that looks like a misshapen pair of eyeglasses all flattened out, that only my father could truly construct, the sole purpose of which was to lift the eggs in and out of the coffee cups of dye. and i think of ham, also, something we never have any other day, and never going to church and what else? potato salad, and how my mom makes the best kind they say, even though i never have it because i don't care for the eggs i think of. ha.

and now, in the years i've actually been alive, i can barely think of what i wished i could think of always, the bright and shining hope and joy made possible by a grant from God, and the coming of the King. whew, that's nice to say. the coming of the King. let him.

happy easter, friends.