riddle me this

five and a half more pages to go, and i'm at thirty, and i'm done with this thesis. finis.

i was thinking of....what, today? of being built to fail. of being built to have our hearts broken and of being human beings. that's hard to admit. i liked your post, katie--i liked how it ended especially. somehow this leads me to say: it is hard to have friendships, yes? i've been thinking about that very much lately. i wish i had enough grace for myself to let myself fail in my own friendships, or understand even just a little more about myself to not let despair come in sometimes.

i think i should say here too: there are very ugly things about living in the world. things that are not simple to see. that's all. sometimes i think it is much easier to point out the things we see all around us--the awful, terrible, bitterness of it--rather than the things we suffer quietly, the things the people next to us suffer quietly. but then, sometimes it is hard to get out of suffering quietly, and how can there be any help in the first place if nobody knows about it? God sees, right? that's the answer. that's an answer that's frustrating and a wonderful relief. and one easy to forget. God sees and that should be more than enough to let you rest. that's how that should go, and all turn out.

it is one thing to say: God, you are enough to sustain me and let me rest, and you are enough and with you here, i am never alone. and then turn over and close your eyes and sleep a tidy, slow sleep. it is another thing to say: God, you are enough to sustain me and let me rest. and then turn over and be unable to close your eyes gently, and sleep this quick, sort of shotgun sleep. different entirely. how can you go from one to the other when you already have said the magic words you thought you needed to say, but the magic doesn't come?

something tells me you have an answer.