there been done some things

some things happened, like i had my last law class on friday night, and i've been studying my ass off for my last in-class final (then one more takehome to go), and i've been getting better and drinking water like a fishy-dishy, and i just took three advil liqui-gels an hour earlier than i was supposed to. that's alright, right? sure.

this last semester i've become bitter and mean and angry, and i think i have to change my heart around. i mean, pray to Jesus to help. i'm almost done, though, so i'm hoping that'll come with it.

never heard from cook county, in case you're wondering. i don't know if that means i didn't get the position (probably) or if they're just dumb (most likely) or both (all of the above).

i need a new apartment. i like this one, but NO DOGS ALLOWED, and if there is something i am about, it is a non-discrimination policy. yes.

will summer make good for all our sins?

wincing swallowing

the totally awesome thing about losing your voice is going to work while it's happening to you. especially if you work the kind of job where you're actually getting paid (or not, in this case) to talk. well, say magic words, really. that's all attorneys do, honestly. and it's even better if you're supposed to say the magic words on a record of some type, because then you're actually fucked and you have to make sure you're looking the magistrate dead in the eyes, like you are actually hypnotizing her, which maybe you actually are? you hope so, and you have to say "the state moves the [em] court to......the state [ahem] moves [uh-heh-em] the court to.......the STATE [ahem] moves the [uh-HEH-EM]" like a million times before you can get out "find the defendant" in any intelligible language known to the human race, and even then you're just moving your lips like please, please don't make me say that again.

anyway, so i've lost a good part of my voice, and my throat feels like somebody threw a tiki torch down there and back out again, and i had to go to work this morning with the coughing and the tea and the holding it (take tea and pee, as my nanny used to say, and girl was not kidding), and the doctor and the medicine and now we end our program with the sleeping in the middle of the day.

some advice: do not travel like a million times in a year, especially if that year is your last year of law school. dude. come on.

the colors red and blue

you know what i did today? today i had a dinner party for the people at the law school i don't hate. even more than that, i like them as people. not just students, or collegueugeueugues, or people i can call up someday and say: "i have a client and....." those people. i cooked some food for them and i spent some money to do it, and the whole time they were in my apartment i thought: why aren't you here? or you, even? where are you?

is it that way always, i wonder? am i always going to wonder where you are, my friend? am i always going to wonder where you have been all this time?

we are going to be in our late twenties now, you know. that's the time we should be embracing the LORD! with all His Caps! and we should be joined in Holy Matrimony to our Significant Other and when we should becomme solid in Our Ways, whatever they happen To Be. there was a time i wanted to be in cook county, because it was in that Big City, and somewhere where my Whole Life would just bang! Change, just like that! and then i wouldn't have to do a damn thing. although, maybe i can't do a damn thing now? do i even know?

you see, this is how things are: i am happy, relatively speaking. i'm not happy and then sad, i'm not happy and then angry (but only angry because i am sad! really! on the inside!), but i'm happy and angry, all at the same time. and i forget what it is to really feell things so very deeply and sadly and profoundly, because goodness knows i'm Entitled now, and so i've graduated from fucking law school now, and how is it that we are both fucked up from that? how did that happen, somehow, and so differently (but maybe not? do we even know?) at the same time?

and all of us: we graduated from the under graduate institution, we went and did some Other Thing that we thought would give us the filling for our gaps and holes and spaces we couldn't explain to ourselves or each other (even if the other was the Other we had been Searching For All This Time), we left and now we're coming back and we better be ready for ourselves, and what happened to me? i became temporarily angry and happy all at the same time, rather than desperately sad and masking it in anger, and never happy but just desperate desperate and just please, save me from this: myself, and right now if that was me i would say please, what are you waiting for? just accept and go and be what you wanted, seize it instead of losing your chance and your chance and your chance, again and again, own it and seize it and make it something that you possess rather than something you settled on. we have courage because we are given it by God, and if we fail to use that courage, then we become cowards. we are all born with courage, we just neglect or fail or fuck it. yes?

we are coming back from another country, and trying to get a job in one of the biggest cities--or is that two, three, four of us?--we are trying to do what we want, rather than what we think we should or are told what we should do, we are trying to stop this thing and do this other thing, we are trying to be ourselves, except we don't know what we are at all or who or whom, as the case may be, but only that we feel real and here and actual when this other thing happens, so let it be so, we are trying to be happy with our dogs and our babies (our soon to be humans?), we are trying to get married and we are trying to do it well, we are trying to become caretakers and social workers and listeners for a living, except how can we do that on that kind of pay and budget and then suddenly we realize: maybe this regulated lifestyle is okay and will let us be spontaneous (that's what alex says to me today, outside of angel falls, so late for this dinner party that started this whole thing) after all! because isn't it how we measure our youth? by that?

and attorneys, professors, prosecutors and defense (even those public defenders) attorneys are all users, you see, they just utilize the resources they have available to them, regardless of what need or void or emptiness you are filling in yourself, you should just shrug that all off and harden your heart enough so you can work and live and regulate enough to go to angel falls long enough you are late but not that late, and wish and wish and wish you could see whom you wish to see, rather than those you must see in order to do justice to what you've felt and thought for three years, and say goodbye to those years, and sure, let's go down there for some vague words that are not enough and too much all at once, because it's much different and better than what you've been doing, this happy and this angry all at once. you cooked some food for them, and that was enough.

linx it up

so today was hitler's birthday. it also happened to be the day i had a physical, and blood drawn, and something called a TDap, which is a tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis vaccine. the blood drawing part seemed to be aok usa until i just took off the guaze and am sporting a nasty bruise, which i suspect will get even nastier. i don't have any problem with shots and so forth, though, because of [insert story from past].

did you hear that someone got in to the first school of their choice? they did.

today in my juvenile law class i got to take pictures of my professor, judge william bailey, because we told him his picture on the law school's web page looked too severe, and he doesn't look or act like that hardly at all. i took some great ones. there's one where he gives me the finger. at that moment, i fell a little bit in love with him. that's all it takes, really.

i'm going to get a puppy! did you guys know? bishop is cute, talya. i congratulate you on your fine pet. my puppy isn't even conceived yet. the lady that bred the two dogs my parents have is going to breed one more litter, and i get one of those. yay! but that won't be until the summer. just in time for bar review classes (barbri and pmbr), and constant crying.

i'm having an awards dinner at my apartment on saturday, which i've named the "deuce deuce." only people from the law school i like are invited. i still have to make the awards, and i plan on doing that with the help of the trusty law library tomorrow. i hope it goes well. rule number one of hostessing: make sure everyone is drunk.

that's all, now. time for sleeps.

in a mile you'll be feeling fine

i'm going to get a physical tomorrow, the kind where they take blood and everything, so i can't have anything to eat or drink (besides water, hopefully, because water seems harmless to me) between one in the morning and when i have my blood drawn, which should be around twoish or so. there's half a beer here, but i think the medicine i'm taking for my sinus infection is making me all fucked up when it comes to the drink, so i don't really want it. i'm too tired, and now is the time to just lay down.

i cut my hand with a bread knife, which is stupid because i was holding the roll in the exact same way my dad tells me to never hold anything, which i think of of every single time i hold something like that, but then i managed to cut it anyway. there is a lot of blood in your hands, which i'm sure i haven't thought about till now. that's "in," not "on."

still no word from county comma cook. i don't even know if i'd take the job, now.

i'm glad lyndsey is back on the blogging scene. she's a good one, and we've needed her. things have slowed down considerably, haven't they? maybe i won't blog at all during the bar exam. not at all?

i can't wait for steve to come home.

this is a wasteland.

is blogging "so last year" now? "so before-lent?" is that what's going on? i need a confirmation here.

the only thing i have to say is that cook county isn't going to let me know about my job until "mid to late april," and that's all. we stand by, we wait, we bite our fingers and we weep and wail at the gate. we do.