they're doing a great job

To the Ohio Bar, You Fuckers.

I realize that my official application to sit for the bar exam needs to be (in bold, italics) IN YOUR HANDS by April 3rd, and if I fail to place my supplemental character questionnaire, a copy of that supplemental character questionnaire, my affidavit swearing that all of the aforementioned information is true to the best of my knowledge, my supplemental law school character and fitness affidavit, my waiver of substance abuse history, my waiver of severe mental health disorder history, and my checklist of ITEMS SUBMITTED FORTHWITH, you will send me a letter informing me that I will not be able to take the July 2006 exam and you are sending some burly men over to my apartment to smash my face into my bathroom mirror, repeatedly, until they have broken my will to live and I am begging for death. Thank you for the reminder.

Also thank you for the reminder that I owe you yet another two (2) checks (certified, or it will return to you and burly men, etc.) in the amount of three hundred (300) dollars, adding to the previous amount of two hundred (200) dollars, but not counting towards the final amount of one thousand (1,000) dollars.

Is it your job to fuck me in the ass?
Catherine "Because, honestly, you deserve a raise" Loya.

because it's really like that

oh please, let me hang out with her, just once.

cowboy the fuck up.

well, i just embarrassed myself in my juvenile class by making an argument that was terrible and probably didn't make any sense, and then answering a question wrong. that's okay, and i can handle that, except that i haven't done that in something like....a year? maybe two years? in law school and the one night that i do, it's in front of my boss at work, who is one of three speakers in this class tonight.

here's the thing about being embarrassed: i don't get embarassed easily, so when i do it's always always terrible, because i don't have a lot of experience with getting over it. and it's always because i do something that makes me feel, look, or sound dumb. and i always remember it. the last time i was really embarrassed was in 2002. okay, so that's not too bad, right? right.

i'm not complaining, i'm just saying that i feel bad.

nothing like remedying that situation by updating this the second half of class. hopefully this will be over soon, and then i'll go home and eat leftovers and drink wild turkey until i pass out.

of course, this serves to make me feel worse about what i actually feel bad about in the first place, which is the fact i haven't heard anything about this stupid job in cook county, nothing at all at all, not even when i would have to wait until, and all my doubts about being able to do said stupid job are glaringly obvious to me at the moment, and reasons why i shouldn't even be considered for that position are suddenly true to me and real.

being embarassed very rarely is a wonderful thing, and i'm glad that i'm largely secure and confident about my actions, thoughts, and words. so thanks God, and my parents for raising me that way, and the rest of it. sorry i'm focusing on the bad part of it right now.

and this job can go blow, right? if i don't get it, or ever hear from anyone (ever, for the rest of my life), then it's fine too. i'll figure out what to do and where to go. so this is the last time i'll say it on here: not getting this job hurts, and it sucks, and i shouldn't have expected to get it because it's like getting accepted into one of the biggest and best grad programs, and how often does that happen? it's a crapshoot, and we all know that even though your chances are the best at craps, you still lose sometimes. and it doesn't matter how much you've studied the books, and the stats, and it doesn't matter how much money you put in the ante or the pot, and it doesn't matter if it was your lucky pair of dice, and it doesn't matter, even, if you've played this game for two years for free, you still lost. so either try again at a different table or start playing poker instead.

freestyle!

we're deep into lent territory, aren't we. oh yes we are. we're on sugar lows here, and steps that seem shorter by now, and only the elevator once (but only because i had a state trooper with me, and i felt like i couldn't very well make him take the stairs)...and maybe one dessert, but only half, and only because.

so that's okay. right?

and....it's too late (early?) for this to be updated. almost four, even. and it's rained and is raining and will rain, my hair is all curly from the humidity, i'm driving my mom's car until tuesday because the a/c light in mine goes on off on off, and it's the night before i will hopefully get something back.

i emailed, you see, just to gently but firmly remind these good people that the bar deadlines loom, and there are states to choose from and lives to settle on living, so would you please at least give me a range of times when i will hear from you, instead of this irritating silence? but that was friday, and so monday is when i expect the something.

what do you think i should do if i get r-e-j-e-c-t-e-d?

go to chicago anyway? stay in ohio? go to graduate school? "take a year off?" try to dial God directly?

when i was in college, i wanted to be a grave digger. no really, listen. this is why: john steinbeck was a grave digger. he was actually a lot of things, while also a writer, and i thought at the time that it would be amazing to learn all of those people he met and the way things were with them in their places, all the things he did. yeh? ridiculous, i know. but maybe not.

no grave-digging. fine. what about lifeguard? i could do that. i think.

i hated limbo in the first place

sorry i've been away so long. i didn't give up writing here for lent, but i just haven't had much to say. i start up this little box here and i throw down a couple words, but then i just close out.

i wrote cook county a few hours ago, asking them if they could tell me a date or time frame for their decision on new employment for all the people who interviewed with them. the bar application deadlines are looming scarily in the very near future, and i need some answers. i hate waiting, and i'm afraid to get bad news, but this limbo without any end in sight is driving me crazy.

i wish you well, though. i hope things are good. God will answer us, right?

i know all there is to know about the waiting game.

so now, we wait. the interview went well. OR DID IT?! no really, it did. i prom promise.

in other news, welcome to lent. over the years, i've given up alcohol, smoking, instant messenger, soda, sugar, coffee and other various treats. this year, i've decided that perhaps a combination would be the best thing, so it's looking like no wine, no sugar, and no elevators for me.

i say elevators because there's one in my building i use to ride up, and there's one at the court i use to both ride up and down in. that's going to get a little tricky when i have to walk people down to the traffic window, but we'll figure something out, i'm sure.

so, that's taken care of. what else can i talk about?

friends of mine from school are going out for dinner at a sushi place tonight, and i've somehow said i'll be attending, but then i remembered: i don't really care for sushi all that much. i mean, it's fine, and it was fun to make on new year's, but i don't derive any gratification from it like some others do. it seems like the perfect time, though, doesn't it? i mean, it's ash wednesday and you know what that means: dairy delights. meatless meals. isn't uncooked fish wrapped inside seaweed and vinegary rice the ideal solution? yick. see that? i grossed myself out right there. i think i might have to pass.

which means.....i'm having pizza, i guess. or a grilled cheese. or tomato soup. or......dipping one into the other (not the pizza)! i haven't done that in a long time. let's go.

i sort of want to go back to bed, to be honest with you, but i have my tutoring class tonight at five. we'll be covering causation and murders uno and due, if you'd like to attend. you know, for some pointers.