use my hands to use my heart

today at the end of my session the devastator asked me if she could give me a hug. i love hugs, maybe not-so-secretly. bring it on, dude.

do you want to know what's surprising? there was crying, sure, and still the lasting trueness of it all, but so many really nice and kind things were said and heard it really made me feel much better than i thought i would. two more times, friends. yeeeeeeeeee. shitfuck, as one mr lynch would say. i miss you steve. at least i'll freaking see you again some day.

and the other thing is: i'm sort of sick of this weepy indignation over boys that aren't half of what i wish, even now a little weak from crying and changes and sadness. you don't have a brain in your silly head, smarty, not about this! so i think, the beginnings of the thought: it's time to give it up. not my business to be going along worrying anyway, that's up to the king, not me. go to, then. off with you.

though it's nice to be silly sometimes.

there is a newfangled productions board meeting happening here in freaking forty minutes. i'm annoyed already and nobody's even here yet. the moral of today is: i'm sick of this crap. i saw a little bit of myself today, my real self, and i think i loved what i saw, those parts i never see and always forget about or discount or devalue or ignore in favor of the more fun and more justifiable focus on the worst bits. and it's not putting up with crap that makes the love possible or exist! that's something true, to realize, it's not that. it exists because a King put it there and that's that.

and who am i to refuse a King? i just work for him.