tell me baby, baby why do i feel so bad?

we will have, they say, we will have scheduled downtime, where we fix what is wrong and try and make it work the way it was supposed to. so, applywithin will have scheduled downtime, right now, and sorry for the short notice, but we are trying to fix what is wrong and try and make it work the way it was supposed, supposed to. what is that way? if you have some idea, let us know straight-way, please. and forgive the diction, it's been falling apart all day.

i went to my own journal tonight, just to take the edge off, but it didn't cut it hardly at all, not nearly as much as ice in a glass half-filled with whatever you would drink when you're feeling like this. but do you ever feel like this? it's a mystery, that answer. what's the answer to that?

you don't know either, i'm sure. that's alright, i'd rather you didn't. how long do we find our identity in the things that define us and shape us and make us human? is there just existence there, or are we supposed to push past those things and times to reach some sort of unnamed place? i don't know. there are no verses that answer that question, and no discipleship to lead me thoroughly along the path i'm supposed to choose rather than the one i am on, or should be on, or might not have chosen weren't it for the community with a capital c, but not spelled that way, mind you mind you, i'm supposed to be a part of. no such thing exists. prove me wrong and i'll give you a million dollars. and i don't want any of that judgmental bullshit, you can keep that to yourself.

but at the same time, thank you and thank you for this day. for this life. that one doesn't preclude the other, that's the key, isn't it? doesn't that make enough nonsense that it works? and isn't there anybody else who can tell me the things i'm thinking, instead of just thinking them myself and verifying them for truth and that certification of being sane, or maybe too sane, instead of embarassing and ignored? how about that. there's that courageousness in the form of the most cowardly question i could think of right now. but just right now, give me some time. just some time, i'll make it up to you. now get the fuck out of here. there's only so far you can push your luck until it runs runs out, or you make it too hard to stand.

and how would you tell this to me? that's what i really wonder.