the last one. the only one left.

subway? hi. look, i try and ignore how weird your meats look, especially the turkey. so oval! so...grey? and is that.....rind? i hope? anyway, i try and ignore that. and how no tomatoes can really be that red, all the time. and how your bread is sometimes, towards the end, sorta crusty rather than "fresh baked." i really try to ignore all that. but what i cannot ignore is the fact your sandwiches never fill me up! they are never satisfying for more than two hours, and that's pushing it. what is going on over there? i'm glad you're so healthy, but no calories? like, at all? not working out for me. no wonder that guy jared lost all that weight.

i think i might've broken some ribs.

today, for the first time in history and nearly twenty-one years of schooling, i had to get another bubble sheet. my professor was so adamant about having Absolutely No Erasure Marks On the Bubble Sheet that it all went to my head or something and i fucked up. a lot. not even once or twice, we're talking at least five or six times. i know! i don't know what happened either. and you know how you try to erase, but then there's the smudge across the paper, so then you erase even more, harder this time? except it's just getting worse? and you look really closely, and you see that somehow you've managed to nearly erase the actual printing on the sheet, except the smudges are still there? how? how does that happen? i don't know. i even used two different erasers! anyway, i finished the torturous thing and then had to go ask permission to use another one. there was a ripping ceremony for the smudged one into tiny, tiny pieces by the professor. and then she ate them all. no, just kidding, not really. but wouldn't it have been cool if she had?

do you ever worry that there's something in your slippers? in the toe? i do. i think i saw a discovery channel special on scorpions once, and how they really like small, dark places, like shoes. and i believe there was a reenactment of some type, where the little scorpion crawls into the shoe and disappears. despite this, the discovery channel falls in great favor with me, as well as any other channel that shows animal documentaries. i really, really like animal documentaries. especially ones on insects. or the ones where they show a year cycle of all the animals that live in a particular place, like the desert. or the jungle! i know, i hate myself too, it's okay. but i least i didn't say the history channel (which i also love, especially "history's mysteries," sick), right? but remember that one special they did about "the real Jesus?" and they made the face out of cyberpaint, or whatever? and, okay, but who was the absolute genius that came up with the food network? because i would like to shake that person's hand. "unwrapped?" yeh, i watch it. so what? don't make me go all rachel rey on your ass, because i will.

oh and don't forget bravo! i love that channel. except "dinner for five," which i can't stand. but hey, way to show really good movies, especially those marathons. nice work, people at bravo.

i have to go, i think this is only going to get worse.