lundy, fastnet, irishsea, i've got a message i can't read

just a little of the piano right now to write. and this open balcony door, with the nice soft blanket and the wonderful slippers which i neglected to retire post-Christmas upon the advent of opening the shoebox with a new pair. "what cute shoes!" someone said once, after i was caught running a quick errand in the courtyard of the school.

i'm relieved about the summer vacation finally being here, though the class i sat in all morning and afternoon is much scarier than i really anticipated--and you know? it's not the opening or the closing that gets me, it's the direct and cross. and the objections! shit shit, the objections! but i suppose there must be the first time before there can be the understanding, or style, or opinion: i like playing trial, i hate the courtroom, i wish i could but it's not worth it, it makes me feel alive. we'll see what happens, hopefully together.

i was saying about the summer vacation, i'm glad it's here and so filled with things to do or not do or haven't decided yet, and i am hoping it will be with gladness i feel to the measure all the gratefulness, the joy, the excitement, the anticipation, the anxiety and the fear and the true sadness of things never done before: from letting go of the devastator, to be able to parse that out and away from all else that happens or will, to at last being gentle with myself in kindness for having what tries in earnest to be a good and workable and real heart rather than impatience and frustration and disdain for the too-muchness of how it works.

i saw all the graduates today at e.j. thomas, across from the law building, pictures being taken and degrees being received, new bachelors and masters and pea eight-ch dees. and i thought, i will try and do this well, God, what you are asking. you will put your words in my mouth and your hands on my hands and your arms ready to go around me. let me remember this.