i have a habit i've been trying to lose

remember when i quit smoking, in march of 2003, lying in a hospital bed and recoiling from the doctor saying, "heh, well that's why you're here. i see a million of you every day," after telling him weeeeellllllll, yes, i do smoke, but only sometimes! "sometimes?" occasionally? "occasionally, huh." yes, well, maybe a couple times a day, really, but that's all! just....a couple. times a day. really. "heh, well....."

because i remember. but sometimes i forget. usually during exams, or on nights like tonight, when it's mid-may and the balcony door is open with the screen shut, and i have just had a very satisfying dinner and a very nice very often sampled bottle of wine, and i'm sitting here thinking to myself. i forget now, and times like now.

and the hardest, the mostest hardest, is when i am with you and, i am anticipating, already and already you, or even with you too (even though it was only that once, or maybe that twice), and of course with you on those walks, because those times gave me something to do with my hands when i was thinking and not talking, and it was good to be in silence but still be alright and not afraid. still walking and then stopping and then, "would you like another one?" and yes, of course, hand it on over or vice-versa, since we smoked the same brand and we still would except i got so sick and laid in that goddamn hospital bed with the worst headache i've ever had, i wanted to just die already, and gasping for breath and finally the doctor coming in with the "heh" and the "influenza" and the "or maybe pneumonia, more likely."

so i stopped. and it's been over two years now, and my lungs are practically if not pink, and happier than they've been since at least early 1999, but tonight, with the balcony door open, it's time for that smoke. except i don't have one. i will justify it and say, i will break that silence with you, or you, or you, or even you! you four, you are the ones that can make me risk the hospital bed. because for some reason and every reason you are my favorite favorites. and what that of all things has to do with it, of course i don't know. but, there you have it. for now i will be content with not being in a hospital bed, how's that.

good enough.