yeh, i know.

i realized. i came to understand. whatever. since when.

the thing about feeling stupid about something i've done or said is that it's mostly a lie. the impact it has on other people is much less than i imagine it to be, and i'm really the only one it's biting at. most of the time it's because i'm too sensitive. haven't we discussed that bit before? that's what i thought. so leave it.

and the thing about feeling lost is that sometimes, nothing comes through. which, you know. i suppose that has to happen in order to know the difference, to know what it feels like to have something come through. you know, whatever it happens to be. and you know, the thing that's funny about when nothing comes through is that it always happens when i have nothing to blame it on. no alcohol, no big disaster, no emotion-infused mind-altering drugs. too bad for that, right? that's easier to take.

some people blame this on the devil. when the devil has a bit of a foothold, they say, he climbs right up and makes himself at home. and then you're really in trouble. then you're playing cards with judas all of a sudden and smoking foreign cigarettes with him, and of course you're winning. because even you aren't as bad as all that, huh? even when you do wake your father up every time you stay at the house. he needs his sleep, don't you know.