so long after all these years

see our new, non-discriminatory venture at: ThreeCheersforBeers.Blogspot.com, oh yes. go see it.

(lindz, i'm back. turns out pictures really are worth a thousand words)

did you did you

i've been away. and for that i am sorry. forgive me for that, yes? well. i'll let you think about it for a bit.

i've been studying for the bar exam. will an explanation help? or will it just give rise to that sort of passing nod you get when you finally explain why that person you work with is so weird to talk to. why you get a little uncomfortable when you're in the elevator alone with them. why you feel guilty when you come up with an excuse to leave the breakroom as soon as you came. that nod.

i read your journal, your description, and i cried all the way down my face and to my chin that's my mother's, really, and not mine. though i'm working on deciding whether i want it to be my own or hers, you know. how much of my face do i want to be my own, is it the whole of it or just some parts, the good parts or the ill, the ones that are so readily identifiable?

but i did. right down to the chin. right at first because you didn't tell me like that, but that was the selfish part of it. and then mostly because i know exactly how that is, talking about leaving and going going.

you know, i feel mostly ashamed of how i feel, writing about my family and about when i cry this or that time. i write all that shame out here now, and then it's done and over with.

the product of too much life and so little blog.

welcome to white

i! got! a! macbook!

i did!

okay. so it's in the box still, waiting for me to take it out and figure out how the hell it works. it's just sitting on the couch, being all sexy in its gorgeous packaging. when i took it out of the box the first time just to see it, some angels came out of the box and flew around the apartment, singing the sweet sweet song of 1 Whole Gigabyte of RAM (I'm Faster Than Your Mom). seriously dude, it was flippin sweet. but then i had errands to run and i had to go, so back in the packaging it went and now i'm afraid to touch it again, like i have to wash my hands first and maybe take a shower for good measure, and buy a special pillow or something to rest it on, and dust is going to get on it, i just know it, and i can't just leave it out where anything can just touch it, right? damn.

also, like how does the internet even work? i have no idea. i can't even deal with this.

today i opened one of my bar review books and, where with the macbook there was the heavenly host, with the PMBR book volume one, Our Name is Legion burst out and sort of hummed A Billion Pages, Nowhere to Go (You're So Fucked). so, the bar in ohio goes like this: one day is six essays over any subject they can think of, one day is the multistate bar examination (MBE), which is two hundred plus questions over six core subjects, and one day is three more essays and two multistate performance tests (MPT), which are more like practical tasks like writing briefs or memorandums or whatever. yeh, awesome. anyway, the PMBR is a six- or three-day course just over the MBE, and i got those books early, so i figured i'd start today, right? ho shit. i have never felt like i never had enough time to study for an exam or prepare for something, honestly, like i always felt pretty confident i could get the stuff done i needed to that was necessary for me to get a relatively decent grade or do a nice job, but i got so overwhelmed and upset about this when i started in on it--it's just so much material you wouldn't believe it. i don't understand, at all, how somebody could pass this exam. i really don't. i have no clue whatsoever how someone could possibly memorize all this material in the amount of time they give you to do so.

now, there's a small hope in the form of barbri, which is this massive corporate bar prep course that costs thousands of dollars and a thirty percent of your liver, and that course covers every aspect of the bar completely. so.....that starts on the 30th, a week from today. three hours in the morning you go to lectures, and then you do 8-10 hours of homework to prep for the next day.

so that's the hellmouth my life will become. i'm sorry if i have neglected this space with celebration and then i'll all but abandon it with bar prep, which jar and i have been calling "The Pain." i would appreciate prayers. and a hello now and then.

but at the moment i have a macbook to play with. yes, yes, oh yes.

because that's how i roll.

okay, so i would go on a date with him.

i am for tennis.

we still: do not discriminate.

i spiked my last exam to the floor of the law school--i mean, the fucking law school--when i pressed the send button on yahoo mail. jar stood and clapped, as it should be. there are things we cannot say nor should nor even are the truth, at present or ever.

i am drinking conac. that's how you spell it, here, in the place where people are done with fucking law school and don't care about what you think. remember that part where the old and very sympathetic convict gets paroled in the shawshank redemption? it's like that. tomorrow, i might hang myself. hung. hanged. how does that even go, and fuck it, please. God.

i am still for tennis, and i am still mad at: 1) SONY 2) NIN-TEN-DO.

here we go, boys. let's hear it.

there been done some things

some things happened, like i had my last law class on friday night, and i've been studying my ass off for my last in-class final (then one more takehome to go), and i've been getting better and drinking water like a fishy-dishy, and i just took three advil liqui-gels an hour earlier than i was supposed to. that's alright, right? sure.

this last semester i've become bitter and mean and angry, and i think i have to change my heart around. i mean, pray to Jesus to help. i'm almost done, though, so i'm hoping that'll come with it.

never heard from cook county, in case you're wondering. i don't know if that means i didn't get the position (probably) or if they're just dumb (most likely) or both (all of the above).

i need a new apartment. i like this one, but NO DOGS ALLOWED, and if there is something i am about, it is a non-discrimination policy. yes.

will summer make good for all our sins?

wincing swallowing

the totally awesome thing about losing your voice is going to work while it's happening to you. especially if you work the kind of job where you're actually getting paid (or not, in this case) to talk. well, say magic words, really. that's all attorneys do, honestly. and it's even better if you're supposed to say the magic words on a record of some type, because then you're actually fucked and you have to make sure you're looking the magistrate dead in the eyes, like you are actually hypnotizing her, which maybe you actually are? you hope so, and you have to say "the state moves the [em] court to......the state [ahem] moves [uh-heh-em] the court to.......the STATE [ahem] moves the [uh-HEH-EM]" like a million times before you can get out "find the defendant" in any intelligible language known to the human race, and even then you're just moving your lips like please, please don't make me say that again.

anyway, so i've lost a good part of my voice, and my throat feels like somebody threw a tiki torch down there and back out again, and i had to go to work this morning with the coughing and the tea and the holding it (take tea and pee, as my nanny used to say, and girl was not kidding), and the doctor and the medicine and now we end our program with the sleeping in the middle of the day.

some advice: do not travel like a million times in a year, especially if that year is your last year of law school. dude. come on.