this is because i am tired and a little worried about losing you too

do you know what i do? i doubt things. don't worry, this isn't going to be one of those entries that's difficult to read because it's too vague and off-center. so you can sit back down, go on. like i said, don't worry.

i doubt things. i doubt things like the nonexistence of a cure for AIDS. i doubt things like the existence of a real community of believers, we run and run and run after it but we never quite catch it, and maybe that's because we're not supposed to, really, not here in this place. this is meant to be a lonely place, mostly, one that is hard and lost-making and filled with, right, doubt. is it the running that we are supposed to do, or is it the catching? i think the running. is your refrigerator running? well, you better go catch it.

i doubt people, and the things they say to me. i doubt that what they say happened really happened that way, and if this comes from work and hearing story after story about punch after punch, i suppose that's so. even with the kids. even with the parents that were with the kids. i doubt law robots that tell me their grades and the reasons they are in school in the first place, i doubt law professors that tell me they are perfectly comfortable with not having me work for just them, i doubt law librarians that tell me they don't know how to work the computer. i doubt my friends when they tell me it's alright, and okay, and don't worry, i doubt them when they agree and disagree. i doubt my mother when she tells me she won't talk about death and dying any longer, i doubt my father when he tells me he doesn't know or doesn't remember, i doubt the dog when he tells me he wants to play.

you don't want to play, i say, you want to go out.

and i doubt myself, too. i doubt that what i see is really what is there sometimes, or how it happened. i doubt that i can really tell a story instead of just talking loudly. i doubt that i can take a very long test and pass it not just the first, but any, time. i doubt that i can not give in when an angry parent tells me his son didn't run that stop sign, i doubt i will be able to ask when i don't know what to do, i doubt i will be valuable and do a good job even after a whole long year. i doubt i will be able to be open and honest about any pain or joy i am feeling, i doubt i will be able to ask for help when i need it, i doubt i will be able to accept any grace from God or otherwise.

i could go on, but suffice to say i spend more time than i ever realized doubting. but faith like a mustard seed, and not until i put my fingers in the holes of his hands will i believe, and still, remember: hello, thomas, here are my hands. you will still be blessed, but how much more they who have not and still. so, there's that, despite all the doubt and maybe because of it.