do not cry out or hit the alarm

it is here. lunch with a professor. she's not only my professor, but also my boss. she's not only the president, she's also a client. there will be someone else there, too, the old research assistant. he's a nice guy but a little awkward. i'm a little awkward. the professor? crazy-awkward. laughs at things just enough to suspect it's nerves. says various things are "stupid." perhaps doesn't grasp the fine art of internet communication. is "touchy" when it comes to academic circles. brilliant, most likely. personable? sort of a stretch. a hell of a teacher though, really. one of the best i've had since high school. so there's that.

you know the expression "blows hot and cold?" it fits here. see me with questions.

being invited to these sorts of events is always all at once exciting and terrifying. what am i going to say? is what i thought in the shower a bit ago. what am i going to do? i went over the rules in my head, briefly: don't order the most expensive thing on the menu and don't get anything to drink.and don't talk too much and don't swear, for fuck's sake and don't say 'for fuck's sake' and better to dress up than down and whatever you do, don't spill anything, for the love of God.

now it is too early to show up at the atrium of the law school, the designated meeting-place for this seminal rendezvous. when i woke up, i thought: are we all just going to walk? or drive separately? or, holy shit God no please no, drive in one car?

and then comes the pep talk while i get dressed, and the short, incoherent bursts of prayer: God, please please please let me be engaging. let me pay attention. let me be funny but not inappropriate. give me a little class, please, just this once. and then the desperate, pointless bargaining: God, if you let this go really well, i promise i'll go to church again soon or have a quiet time or whatever, just please don't let me fuck up.

but it always ends on the way out the door: look, just don't let me throw up.

always one for the high goals. i'll let you know how it went and how it all turned out.