i'm buying a good eraser

the secret part about counseling (one of the many, really) that they don't tell you until you're already knee-deep in your own troubles and holding the hand of the counselor, all "help me, obi-wan! help me!" is that they are trying to teach you how to create boundaries around yourself that are helpful and comfortable for you, as well as breaking down barriers (no, this is really how they talk, i'm serious) you've set up for yourself out of well-deserved and needed defense. so then! you go ahead and try and do that, wading all the time, and you think you've successfully accomplished the creating and the breaking down and so forth, and as you raise your arms triumphantly! in the air, you realize that......wait a moment.......no one is really there to celebrate your victory over yourself. as a matter of fact, you are now too scared to invite anyone into the theatre to see this in the first place, nevermind share this joy with them. and so, you lower your arms and try and retrace your steps and redraw the boundaries and.....

but! here's the problem, surely! you know you've made a lot of good decisions, haven't you? sure you have. you feel less pulled-apart, that's for sure. and a lot less frantic and terrible about your lines, really, and all the little thinking and good understanding you've come across with yourself, so all of that couldn't have been a waste, right? right! it's just, you've overdone it. you were an honors kid in school, godammit, and you're not going to back down from that now! so maybe it's not all disaster. there were a lot of difficult things you had to face and space you had to stake and claim for yourself, and none of that was in error! you just need a balance, riiiiiiight. a balance. you forget about that, especially when new ideas come and your mind is finally made up.

so then Counseling Secret #53: Boundaries and Barriers is revealed, and you wade back into the muck and muddle of yourself to figure out how to compromise. and that's where we leave you (you? ha! me me me!) for now, knowing full well i will come out again with muddy pants.

always with the muddy pants.