i would go on, but i can't sit up for more than ten minutes at a time.

let me tell you a story called "food poisoning." it goes something like this:

once upon a time, there was a place called "the platinum dragon." now, this place looked innocent enough. it had some neon lights. it was next to a bar called "the metro." there's always black people going in and coming out. lots of asian-speak happening, and so forth.

little do the humble and unsuspecting people of highland square--no! all of akron!--know the absolute evil which dwells inside! the substance of madness! that which beckons from the black pit!

one would-be victim is the heroine of our story. let's call her "cat."

one day, cat decided if there was any day to have chinese food, today was the day! the delicious sauce! the onions! those things that sort of taste like turnips(?) but aren't! yes, today was the day indeed. having visited the establishment once before with no problems, cat called up the platinum dragon and placed her order.

bum bum buuuummmmmmm! you should use this opportunity to get a soda, or something. a "pop," if you prefer.

traipsing merrily along, down the block, cat picked up her food from that den of terror happily! grateful, even! for now it was time to have some dinner and a nice quiet evening. and so, arriving back--safely, she thought--to her home, she ate her dinner and slept, contented.

the next morning, however, things were not so good. cat had a stomach ache, and one that got progressively worse during the day. but, unconcerned and unaware of the veritable typhoon coursing through her digestive system, cat went along her day until suddenly! nearly at the stroke of midnight! it was time. satan had spawned! a bathroom was needed, and needed quickly, because the spawn of satan does not like to be kept waiting! oh no, it most certainly does not!

now, you will forgive, i'm sure, the intentional dramatic language in an attempt to shield your senses and rest easy this night. today has been a hard and rough one. one filled with being unable to keep anything down--or maybe just "in." yes, that's right. unable to keep anything in. a day filled with questions like "soup? will soup work? no? how about the broth? not that either? okay." and "saltines? ha, of course not." and "if i stand up, will i throw up?" these, my friends, are all as a result of the curse of the platinum dragon.

"the platinum dragon." right. more like the diarrhea dinghy. or the vomit lizard. or something.