somewhere on the streets of paris....

dear katie holmes.

look. i....this is awkward. it's been a long time. well, not so long. i just saw you the other night, remember? when you pleasantly surprised me by not ruining batman begins? that was a good time, right? we had fun together, remember? oh, we joked a little about how you were sort of....you know.....moody-looking in the film, but that's not your fault, right! that's just silly christopher nolan and his brooding. i mean, what do you expect from a guy who made a movie backwards, am i right? but you! you didn't even bite your lip once! you really looked great. and so sassy! all, "get away from her, you bitch!"

wait, no, that was ellen ripley in aliens. my bad. you're the one who was all "no, now!" good one! that was great!

but i mean, before that. before the other night. it had been.....gosh, what now, three? maybe four years? too long, joey potter, too long. wait, no, i'm sorry i said that. i'll take that back! i promise! it's just.....i know......so hard to get away from dawson, i know. that was a difficult time for everybody. and that weird-looking dude you dated in real life, who doesn't so much have "eyes" as much as "tiny slits he can peer through." i'm really glad you broke up with him, seriously. nice work. you don't need that kind of.....uh......drama, in your life? you gots to dance for me? you know what i'm saying? holla?

anyway, i know we haven't talked very much over the years, but i just feel sort of like i need to say something to you, and i'm not really sure how to say it, you know? kind of like when you were dating pacey and.....wait, oh no, i'm sorry. please stop crying. it just slipped out. i won't do that again. really. promise. i prom promise! look, let's go sit down over here and just have a nice talk, okay? i have a kleenex somewhere........here! here you go, just use my sleeve. sure! sure it's okay! hey, we're from the same state, huh? we're practically best friends!

speaking of best friends, who is that girl that's always following you around now? she's sort of giving me the heebs, if you know what i'm saying......oh? is that right? she's from the scientology-best-friend-stalker-weird-cult-help department? that's cool. hey! let's duck into that alley for a minute!

okay. listen up, kate. we only have a few minutes before children of the corn over there gets wise to where we are, so i'm going to give it to you straight, alright? no, kate, look at me. look at me. i don't care if you're in love with that guy with the vitamin complex, i really think that's fine. love is love, am i right holmes? right. that's not it. hell, marry away! i went to see mission: impossible 2 in the theatre, that's right. no problems there. it just seems a little.....you know, rushed, that's all. but hey! when you know, you know, huh? and paris! and such a lovely engagement ring! i know, look at you! look at you and your pretty hands with that pretty ring and pretty pretty pretty! so nice!

but that's not it, okay? that's not what i need to tell you. and hey, i'm not even going to pull that whole "we're both confirmed into the catholic church so let's flush our birth control down the toilet and make potatoes!" routine on you either, alright? yeh, see? there's that smile i like! now look, if you want to go all L. Ron on my ass, that's fine, okay? yes, really. yes, i am a little.....uh.......nervous about it. what? yes, yes i might've said "scientology fucking freaks me out, dude" to somebody rece......wait a minute, how did you.........oh, right. right. okay. that's fine, that's fine.......listen, that's okay. really. that's your choice, you know? your pick! but that's not what i wanted to say either, huh? right? i just wanted to say......well, gosh....i mean, i try not to, you know, uh....say this? a lot? because......well, you know........everybody always hears it as some sort of joke, huh? like it doesn't mean what it really means, you know? like it's supposed to be simple? and non-threatening? instead of lame or weird or dumb or something? but......hey. even though you're in scientology now? and everything? and maybe don't believe in God anymore? God believes in you, huh? right? God still loves you, kate, you know? and i know we're all laughing and joking about it in our snotty and superior way all the time, about aliens and all that, you know how we can get, us Christians, sometimes deserving the shitty attitude we're branded with all the time, but really, i wanted to just let you know you're still loved by the only person that counts, okay? really. so don't worry if everything sort of falls apart sometime maybe, if mission: impossible 3 doesn't get made and your....uh.....new fiancee sort of....you know.......goes to his angry place? that's okay. you can always come back, yeh? never too late, kate. really. i hope you do.

and hey! i'll be around, you know? oh, come on, sure i will! what? oh of course, don't be so silly! of course we can still go to the movies together, are you kidding? aw, well aren't you a sweetheart! no, you're the best! no, you are! aw.

just get that freaky-ass bitch away from me, dig?

love, sincerely for once,
catherine "who never watched dawson's creek when it was on tv for real" loya.