even while i'm writing this, i have wills to read.

my life is spiraling out of control.

no, that's not exactly true. i mean more, my life is threatening to spiral out of control. does "spiraling" have two l's? i don't know for sure, but what i do know is that if i want to submit a rough draft of my paper on child sexual abuse accommodation syndrome, i've got to get that sucker done by wednesday night.

that's right. i live and breathe due dates, time adjustments, scheduling and re-scheduling and cancelling and filling-up slots with other appointments, reviews, classes, assignments, "fun," and other, miscellaneous waste. here's the thing: all of these items i check and re-check and re-write on my list? meaningless.

the point is: i feel far, far away.....light-years, even, from God. He Who is Called the Christ. remember Jesus? yeh. so do i, except He's the guy that keeps calling me amd i keep clicking Him over to voice mail on purpose, because i just can't take your call right now, Jesus, because i'm too busy making sure my footnote citations are correct, alright? God, would you please just leave a message?

see? light-years. i feel like i'm doing wonderful things for myself and my career, but i'm doing absolutely nothing for my spirit. like all of this time and energy is being spent on some conduit, except i'm not paying any attention whatsoever to the connection at the other end, thus eventually rendering the conduit completely useless.

where is that balance! is that even possible? to devote myself completely to God sounds like the simplest, easiest, hardest thing in the entire world. isn't there some sort of balance? but no! you cannot serve both God and mammon, right? no one can serve two masters! you will either hate one and love the other, or love one and hate the other. but i love God, i know that much......and i love a lot of my work. so which is it? to serve the one by doing the other! but i've lost sight of that, somehow, i think.

and now i have honey-mustard sauce on my shirt. there's a metaphor there, i just can't seem to find it.